Too Much to Manage

A Restless Heart

Who can do it? Who can remember to clean out the A.C drain line every few months, change the car oil, repair the broken kitchen cabinet, balance the budget, pay that overdue bill, manage multiple kids homework, prepare 3 meals a day, shop for better insurance deals, balance work and home life, coach your kids sports teams, run your side hustles, be a good neighbor, update your passport, file your taxes, shepherd your children, sacrificially love your spouse, clean the house, shave, repair the flat, change the broken lightbulb, wash the car, watch what you eat, workout, save money for vacation, use 8-9 hours of your day working at your job, and pay the HOA on time.

There are at least a hundred more things, and not to mention this must be done daily, some yearly. Then, out of nowhere, grief strikes your family. How is a human supposed to overcome all this? Is this how we were supposed to live? What happened to the simple way of living?

I have found that our capacity for living is not the chief contributor to living well. Everyone has a capacity. The amount a person can handle can vary throughout their life, but just because it might be super high in seasons, doesn’t mean it has to be full of anxiety and panic. I see busy people in a panic and people with much free time. It’s more a matter of the mind than the matter. If it’s not the capacity, then what is it?

“You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.” - St Augustine of Hippo

You can be at rest and build an ark. You can be at rest and free a nation from slavery. You can be at rest and be the general contractor of the Temple of God. You can be at rest and heal the sick, feed the masses, shepherd the 12, be persecuted, die on a cross, resurrect, and ascend. A restful heart doesn’t have to be checked into a monastery. It needs to be held in the hands of the one who made it.

Here is my discovery. I am only one story, so take what I say with a grain of salt. God is entrusting me with more than I have ever managed in my life. I am responsible for more things, people, ministries, and events than ever before, and my heart is at rest. In a past season of my life, I was doing so much less than now, and I was full of anxiety. I had family praying for me, doctors prescribing medicine, Electrocardiogram tests done on my heart, telehealth therapy, daily accountability from friends, long car rides to nowhere crying out to God, ER visits after leading worship on a Sunday morning, uncontrollable shaking in public restrooms embarrassed to come out in fear of people seeing me this way, a loving Father who called me daily to see if I could sleep the night before, a Mother who worried for my life, and a wife who was fearful I wouldn’t make it through the torment of the mind. During that darkness, my capacity for life was so much less than it is now, and I was barely alive in my soul.

My medicine is not in the form of a pill anymore, but in a friendship. God has saved my life. He was always doing so; I just couldn’t hear him through all the anxiety and panic. I have done absolutely nothing to gain what I have. I tried, though. I tried really hard. If I’m honest, I tried harder than anyone I know. This is my competitive spirit talking. I thought I was going to gain rest by running faster and faster than anyone else towards how to gain a healthy mind. I implanted the strategy, the downtime, the breathing, the exercise, the leisure, the boundaries, the medicine, the books, the accountability, and still my heart would palpitate me into a sleepless night.

I don’t know exactly how it all works, but what I know is, my friendship with Jesus made a restless heart lie down for a good night of sleep. He has kept me abiding in this state for now over 5 years as of this writing. He has enabled me to manage more than I ever have, and yet with more rest and contentment than I have ever had. I feel like a child sleeping in a car while Dad is driving through a thunderstorm. I feel like a worry-free child resting during a hurricane. The thunderstorm and hurricane will always be around us, but who holds our heart will determine if we can rest. I don’t need to rattle off a list of things I do practically because that list isn’t the solution but the result of my enjoyment of God. Delight has formed my disciplines, not the other way around. My heart nearly gave up, and at the bottom of the darkness there was a friend who said, it’s not time yet. Honestly, if He had said it was time, I would have been happier than ever. But God’s timing is not my timing. He has made me happy again. He has picked my face up, looked me in the eyes and said, “Stay with me.” So I have stayed.

I am restful inside a world that is restless. I’m driven, full of vision, and more competitive than ever, and yet my heart’s pace is peace. I feel like Jesus and I are on a rowing team and we are experiencing “Swing.” It’s that feeling rowers get when they are in perfect synchronization and harmony and the boat is gliding on top of the water at top speed. Our rows are timed together. I know his voice. I move and have my being while He directs. Even in the grief of life, this “swing” is still there.

I don’t think I will ever measure up to the high standards I set at managing the household, the budget, work, coaching, leading worship, raising children, loving my wife, being a brother, a son, and a friend. It’s too much to manage. I am going to forget to change the A.C filter even though I put it on my calendar. I’m still going to drop the ball at work. There will be months where we overspend, weeks where we don’t eat dinner as a family, bills that get overlooked, cars that are overdue for an oil change, cabinets that need to be fixed, communication that has been avoided, and a stupid taillight out that’s at the top of the to-do list. But even though it’s impossible to manage this in the unrealistic way that I think it should be managed, I have restfully succeeded in it. The bar is no longer there. Christ took the unrealistic bar away and invited me on a walk.

I have been walking with him ever since. He gives me manna for each moment. We address every thought that comes in, whether that is about a bill or His love. He has been the gardener of my heart and brought rest to the soil. All I do is stay. This posture has catapulted me into a capacity I have never functioned in before. With greater capacity, one must have a restful heart. If the Divine Gardener is not holding the heart, the heart will fail. I’m at rest. O Lord, my heart was restless, but now it rests in you.