“Do you enjoy hanging out with the neighbors more than being with me?”
This was the haunting question my wife asked me years ago at our old house. I would spend many evenings on the back patio of my neighbor’s house enjoying his company, listening to his stories, bearing his problems, hearing about his marriage struggles, and talking through his fatherhood. Meanwhile, back at my house are my wife, two toddlers and a newborn. I knew what I was doing. It was hard to endure the evening hours of parenting small children, and my neighbor’s back patio was my escape. So after a long period of time, my wife asked me, “Do you enjoy hanging out with the neighbors more than being with me?” I knew my answer right then and there, but there was no way I could be honest. I told her to let me think about it and I would get back to her. She wasn’t asking me why I wasn’t home to help with the kids; she wanted to know if I had stopped enjoying her.
Within that week, I came back to her with my answer. I said, “Yes. I love hanging out with my neighbor because I get to listen to his life, hear his struggles, help him with faith, encourage him in parenting, and laugh at the things his marriage is going through. It’s easy to hear about his problems and be a friend. For us, whenever we hang out, go on a date, or have a moment together, you will talk about your problems and struggles, and typically, I am the problem. I don’t want to talk about myself. I don’t want to hear how I’m failing as a father, not loving you as a husband, not balancing the budget, not fixing up the house. I don’t enjoy sitting down on a date and having to deal with all my shortcomings.”
My wife desired to be with me. During that season, we had spent little time together. Whenever we had a moment, she had so much stuff in her mind that needed to get out, and on the other side of those things was an insecure man who was defensive and took everything as an assault on his character. She would never yell or complain, just bring up the things we needed to address. She actually desired my company, but since my company was so scarce, she had no other choice but to find solutions for our lives.
I believe one reason a lot of us don’t enjoy being with Jesus is because we think he wants to sit down for dinner with us and hear about all the failures in our lives. We see him sitting across the table with his arms crossed and eyebrows lifted, waiting for us to rattle off the list. But what if He was sitting across from you, smiling and excited to eat dinner? What would you say? If you were to go out with a friend you hadn’t seen in a bit and you met at the restaurant, would you sit down and just start spewing out failure after failure with your head hung low, or would you embrace the friend, laugh a little, and ask them how they are doing?
What if we let Jesus speak first? What if you said something like, “It is so nice to be with you. How are you doing? What is on your heart lately?” Then what would you do when he says back to you, “I love you. I am just so grateful for this dinner. My heart is bursting with joy to be with you. I’m proud of you.” At this point, I think most of us would be stumped. Could it be that our Lord and Savior is not a grumpy priest on the other side of a confessional booth dishing out Hail Marys so we can move out of the booth and make room for the next miserable human? Could it be that he loves being with us and desires a relationship that is not one-way? Could it be that He loves being asked questions?
The Jesus in scripture I see is one who chooses to be with the broken. He wants to be at the tables with the down and outs. He loves giving spiritual advice. He loves building his children up. He sings over his followers with glad songs. He rejoices with his people and weeps alongside them. He loves to be asked questions about his kingdom and how it exists around us. He always wants to tell us about the Father and the Spirit. He has already forgiven you for all the shortcomings and problems. Sometimes he just wants you to be thankful for the forgiveness instead of wallowing in the failures he already paid for. He sits waiting for this time with you. He is smiling and ready to heal you. He has manna for the morning. He has great and hidden things he wants to reveal to you. Are you asking him how he is doing, or is your head hung low while your lips are rattling off a list of things you can’t get right? He already knows that list, and still he’s smiling and glad to be having dinner with his child. Maybe at some point you get to those things, maybe you won’t. The more you enjoy His company, the more conversations you will have to knock everything out.
Do you enjoy hanging out with others more than being with Jesus? Can you answer honestly? Do you think he just wants to hear why you don’t measure up? My wife wasn’t accusing me of anything on those dates. I just took everything the wrong way. She had much to talk about, and since these dates were rare, she wanted to tackle everything. I was defensive. I hated feeling that way. She wanted to be with me, and I wanted to avoid my problems. In the same way, Jesus wants to be with us. We, on the other hand, like to turn everything into “woe is me,” and “I know I’m a failure.” Meanwhile, he is sitting across the table saying, “I love you, my child. I’m so glad we get to have dinner together.” Our next question should be, “How are you doing?” Then after that, “What is on your heart lately?” His words will create in you a delight you have never had before. His response will disarm you. He is such a wonderful friend to have dinner with.
He desires to be enjoyed. If something is hindering that, it most definitely is on our end. Maybe we just don’t know what He wants out of this relationship? Maybe we should start over.
“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
Beautiful and haunting.